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この本はタチヨミ版です。
3E. The ecology of Planet Pothole Wells
5E. A scene from the end of the year
6E. Unbelievably violent balls
The entrance ceremony for the Third Screws' Hill Elementary School was about to begin in the gymnasium hall.
There were new students sitting in the front rows, and their parents sitting in the back rows.
Some students who were in the middle part of the front rows were whispering to one another.
“Hey, you look a bit strange.” A hexagon-socket-head-cap-screw boy elbowed the kid sitting next to him.
“Yes, indeed. Your body form is unusual.” Added a slotted-oval-head-machine-screw boy who was on the opposite side of the kid.
“Both of you are so noisy. I'm also a respectable screw like you.” The boy in the middle answered back to them.
“It's not true!”
“You look like a nail.”
“No! I am a cross recessed head wood screw. My mom is a cross recessed head machine screw, and my dad is a long nail.”
“Oh, are you half screw and half nail?”
“Here is crossbreed! You're crossbreed!”
“There is too much chatting. Please be quiet, everyone.”
The school president, who had been observing the chatty boys from the stage, bent forward to warn them while getting up.
“Well, we shall start now. Hello, everyone. I'm the new school president, an acrylic screw.”
Her words created a little stir in the hall. She continued to talk:
“Congratulations to all of our new students.”
The president's body is translucent and as she stood in front of the microphone talking, you could see through her when the light shone from the ceiling.
“I want to talk about an important topic with you all. We should get along with each other. It's not right to hate someone who is different from you. Each screw has its own shape, color, character and way of thinking. The difference itself is the individual. I am different from others: my mother is an acrylic board, and my father is a pan head screw. In addition, I am a woman even if I may not look like so, and I am pregnant. My baby will be born soon… Oh my goodness, it's happening right now!”
Pow!
The belly of the acrylic-screw president exploded, and several dozen small screws with a butterfly shape fluttered out.
“Ah! My dear babies! Their father is a swallowtail butterfly.”
ねじ見が丘第三小学校の体育館で、入学式が開かれようとしている。
前の席に新入生がすわり、うしろの席に親がすわっている。
前列中央がすこしざわついている。
「あっ、きみ、ちょっとへんだなあ」
六角穴付きボルトが、隣席の子をこづいた。
「ほんとだあ。へんなかたち」
こづかれた子をはさんでむこうがわの、すりわり付き丸さら小ねじも言った。
「うるさいなあ。ぼくだってりっぱなねじの仲間だぞ」
はさまれている少年も、負けずに言い返した。
「うそだーい、うそだーい」
「まるでクギじゃないかあ」
「ちがうわーい。ぼくは、十字穴付き木ねじだい。ママは十字穴付き小ねじで、パパは五寸釘だい」
「えっ、きみ、ねじとクギのあいのこなのかい？」
「わあ、あいのこだあ。やーい、あいのこー」
「さわがしいですよ。しずかにしましょうね」
校長先生が、少年たちを注意した。さっきから演台の上で腰をかがめ、様子をうかがっていたのだ。
「さて、始めましょうか」
まっすぐ立った。
「こんにちは。新任の校長、アクリルねじです」
館内がすこしざわめいた。
「新入生のみなさん、入学おめでとう」
スタンドマイクのむこうの校長先生は、体が半透明で、ときどき天井からの照明を反射し、キラキラ光っている。
「いまから大切なことをお話しします。みなさん、お友だちとなかよくしましょう。自分と違っているからといって、嫌ってはいけません。形や色、性格、考え方など、いろいろなねじがいていいのです。他人と違うもの──それはそれぞれの個性なのです。こういうわたしも、お母さんはアクリル板で、お父さんはナベ小ねじです。そして、こう見えてもわたし、女性です。おまけに妊娠しています。もうすぐ産まれます。あ、あああぁぁ、産まれるぅ……」
パァーーーン！
アクリルねじ校長のお腹が破裂し、数十個のちっちゃなちょうボルトが飛びだした。
ぱらぱら、ひらひら、ぱらぱら、ひらひら……
「わああ、わたしのかわいいベイビーたち～。ダーリンはアゲハチョウです」
I was constipated, and so were my wife, my daughter and my son, in fact my entire family. It was a mysterious thing,
All of us are usually optimistic, but now we were nervous because we hadn't had any bowel movements for five days.
Did we eat something strange? I don't know if it's due to food poisoning or something like that.
Wondering, the three of us went to the neighborhood hospital, leaving my adolescent daughter home because she didn't want to come.
The hospital was so packed with people that there was no room to breathe.
I saw a lot of people I knew there, who were gathering in groups and gossiping here and there. Naturally, my wife also participated in one of those groups and started to chat with them, and after a while, she found out that all the people had come to the hospital for the constipation.
It's weird. All of us living in this town have constipation at the same time. It might be a kind of plot or an experiment of National level…
All of us were anxious.
An even more unearthly concern was that those who had finished the thorough checkup in this hospital said the same thing when they came out of the consulting room:
“My bowels are completely empty.”
W… what? It can't be! It's impossible! The other patients shouted in amazement, but after their thorough checkup, they had to admit the fact. My family had the same results just like everyone else.
“All of you are completely healthy. For the time being, we suggest you go home, as the matter is under investigation in cooperation with some expert organizations in order to find out the cause.”
The doctor said, as if he drove away the patients who were stationed in the lobby.
However, some people who were still not convinced pressed the doctor harder for an answer.
I thought that the situation was dangerous, so I decided to take my wife and my son out of the hospital.
Outside the hospital, there were a lot of people looking at us anxiously, maybe because they were aware of this phenomenon that was facing us.
Flash!
Suddenly, the sky gleamed.
I unintentionally looked up, and saw a big slot machine flowing above in the sunset glow.
Blip, blip, blip… clank! The number “3” appeared.
Blip, blip, blip… clank! Then, the number “7” came out.
Blip, blip, blip… clank! This time, the number “9” showed up…
The slot machine continued to choose one number after another, which lined up from left to right.
3, 7, 9, 3, 8… I know this sequence of numbers… Oh, perhaps…
I took my insurance card out of the pocket of my pants, and looked at its number to check.
Bingo! It's the same number as this!
Suddenly, I had a bad feeling and started running.
“Honey!”
“Dad!”
My wife and my son were running after me.
Soon, when the roof of my house came into sight, I was surprised at what I saw: my daughter was screaming on the verandah. I didn't understand what she was saying because she was yelling like a maniac.
The closer I got to my house, the nastier the odor became.
When I got to the porch of my house, I stepped on something slippery and almost fell down. I looked at the ground and saw something muddy that looked like salted rice-bran paste that was thrown out everywhere, and brown gelatinous stuff was spouting from a crack in the door like a water pistol.
Then, my house shook a bit like an animal, and a panel to show a sequence of three digits showed up in the middle of the door, which was twinkling fast.
Blip, blip, blip…
The reel stopped and the first number on the left was seen: it was “7”.
Then, the number in the middle was “7”, too, and the last number on the right was also “7”.
It's three in a row, a big win!
The door opened.
Splish, splash, surge…
便秘だ。不思議なことに、妻も娘も息子も──つまり家族そろって──便秘だ。
楽観的なわが家ではあるが、五日も便通が無いとなると、さすがにあせる。なにか変なものでも食べたのか。まさか食中毒の一種じゃないだろうな。
いやがる年頃の娘を家に残し、三人で近所の病院へ行った。
病院は立錐の余地もないほど混んでいた。
見知った顔ばかりだ。そこここで井戸端会議がおこなわれている。当然のことながら、妻もその輪に入り、ほどなく、ここにいる全員が便秘であることが判明する。
変だぞ。街ぐるみで集団便秘か。なにかの陰謀か。国家規模の実験か。みんな不安がった。
さらに不気味なことに、精密検査を受けて出てきた人は、口をそろえてこう言った。
「腸内に、まったく汚物が溜まっていない」
な、なんだって！ そんなバカな！ ありえない！ あきれたように叫ぶ患者たちも、精密検査を受けると、その事実を認めざるを得ない。わが家族も、同じ症状だった。
「みなさんの体には異常は見当たりません。とりあえず、おひきとり願います。ただいま、各専門機関と連携して、原因を調査中です」
ロビーにたむろする患者たちを追いやるように、医者が言った。
納得がいかない人達が医者に詰め寄る。
ここは危険だと思い、妻と息子を連れ出し、医院を出た。
外は人であふれていた。みんなこの現象に気づいたのだろうか、心配顔だ。
パッ！
ふいに、空が光った。
見上げると、大きなスロットマシーンが夕空に浮かび上がっている。
ピピピピピ……ガシャン！ 『３』。
ピピピピピ……ガシャン！ 『７』。
ピピピピピ……ガシャン！ 『９』。
…………
左端から次々に数字が確定していく。
３・７・９・３・８……、どこかで目にしたような並びだ。もしやとおもい、ズボンのポケットから保険証を取り出し、見比べる。
ビンゴ！ 同じだ！
いやな予感がし、走り出す。
「あなたー！」「とうさーん！」
ふたりが後を追ってくる。
マイホームの屋根が見えてきた。
あっ！
娘がベランダでわあわあ言っている。狂ったように喚いていて、なにを言っているのかわからない。
近づくにつれ、いやな臭いがしてくる。
ポーチでなにかに足を滑らせ、危うく転びそうになる。見るとあたり一面、糠味噌をぶちまけたようにベチャベチャしている。
ドアのすきまから、茶色いゲル状の物質が、ぴゅっ、ぴゅっ、と水鉄砲みたいに飛び出ている。
家が生き物のようにブルブルッとふるえた。
玄関ドアの中央に三桁の数字パネルが浮かび上がった。激しく点滅している。
ピピピピピ……。
左端が止まった。『７』だ。
そして、中央『７』、右端『７』。
スリー・セブンだあ！ 大当たり！
ドアが開いた。
じゃばじゃばじゃばじゃばじゃば……。
This is Planet Pothole Wells which is just like it sounds, it has an infinite number of wells everywhere. Each well is 5 meters deep and 2.5 meters wide. I live alone at the bottom of one of these wells.
My only possessions here are some building blocks and stones, a memo pad and a pen. That's all. My recognizing code, “H36”, is printed in the lower right corner on all the pages in the notebook.
For example, if I want to eat a rice ball, I have to write “rice ball” on a page of the memo pad, tear off the page, wrap it around a stone, and throw it with the memo upwards so that it lands into the well next to mine. I guess that the person living in the well next to mine doesn't have any rice balls. So, my memo will be passed from one person to another until it reaches the one who has rice balls. This person takes my memo off the stone, wrap a rice ball with it instead, and throws it upwards. It will be passed back from one person to another again until it reaches my well. It takes about a half day to complete this procedure.
Here, I would like to add some explanations: a “half day” means a period of time while the sunshine pours into the wells, so I am in the complete darkness during the other half day.
I am the owner of thousands of building blocks, which are required once every five days or so.
Ouch!
Suddenly, a stone wrapped in a memo hit my head. I took it and opened it, which read:
“A remote controller for TV, by N97”
So, I wrapped the stone with the memo again, and threw it upwards.
I have to say one more thing: I guess that there are only females living on this Planet Pothole Wells.
A yearly festival to meet with males is coming soon, which I am impatient for.
The males live on “Planet Prominent Burs”, which is the sister planet of Planet Pothole Wells. There are many poles on the surface of this planet, which are about 4.7 meters tall and 2 meters wide. The top of each pole is flat, where a male lives alone.
They are coming soon.
When I looked up, I saw the males from the other planet coming towards me. They were lying down and keeping their reproductive organs up. I lied down, too, opened my legs and waited for them keeping my reproductive organs open.
タチヨミ版はここまでとなります。
2016年11月20日 発行 初版
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